Is it just me, or are you starting to think the best savings plan in this current environment might be to just hide your money under your mattress at home?

Put it this way, you know you are in trouble when even the people who set the prices at airport food courts think the banks are greedy bastards.

If they are looking for more sequels to Underbelly, then forget Carl Williams or the Lithgow mafia, they should go after the really big players who are fleecing innocent civilians of their hard-earned cash- the banks:

“Coming soon to Channel 9, Underbelly 3: A Tale of Two Tellers. Who needs to sell guns and e’s when you can make more money with overblown fees?”

Now I know pointing out that banks charge outrageous fees is about as shocking a revelation as when Anthony Callea revealed that he wasn’t just “waiting for the right girl to come along”.

But I think for me the straw that broke the proverbial’s back was all these new fees for using ATMS.

These days when I put my card into an ATM I half expect that Westpac lady to pop up on screen wearing a stocking over her head and pointing a gun at my head.

Put it this way, you know the fees are getting too high when you pop down the local RSL and you end up losing more on the teller machine than you do on the pokies.

Now I don’t deny anyone the right to charge for providing a service, but I also know when to call a spade a bloody rip-off.

For the last few years banks have done everything other than yell “fire” to get us out of the branches so they can close them and maximise profits.

Basically we have been told our money is welcome to visit for as many sleepovers as it wants, but if we want to visit we will have to do it from the street or our computers at home.

But here’s the kicker they want to charge us extra for the privilege of doing… it… ourselves.

I mean seriously, eat your heart out Bond villains. You can have all the laser guns and killer hats you want, this is true evil genius.

To put it in perspective, imagine you were hungry and wanted a pizza, so you rang up Dominos.

Unfortunately, they tell you at the other end of the phone, they don’t deliver anymore. Oh well, you think, it’s not that big a deal to go down to the shop and pick it up.

Sadly on the way there, you remember they shut down your local Dominos last year, so you have to drive another ten minutes to the next one. But you have the hots for what’s in the box with the dots, so you do.

Only here’s the thing. When you get there they haven’t actually cooked the pizza for you after all. No they have just thrown some dough, cheese, tomatoes and anchovies in a box and you have to go home and make it yourself.

But wait there’s more. Here’s the ultimate kicker.

Instead of giving you a discount for this, they charge you extra for the privilege. Genius. I’m just glad the banks are not in charge of the sex industry, they would probably charge you $250 per hour for do-it-yourself brothels.

And don’t even start me on the exorbitant extras you will have to pay if you use a rival’s ATM.

I mean sure when you put your card in the slot you will get told how much it is going to cost you and have the option to pull out… but while this may work for sex education in the Catholic Church, it’s not great monetary policy.

In their defence, when the RBA relaxed the laws on ATM fees the idea was to make the market more competitive and thus keep prices low (ah yes, the free market and if you still believe that works I have a Nigerian banking scheme I need to put you in touch with.)

The truth is instead of keeping fees down, they have just got higher… and higher… and higher.

Seriously folks, who is the Governor of the Reserve Bank these days- Larry Emdur?

ATM fees at some pubs are now higher than Pete Doherty, Amy WInehouse, Keith Richards and Cypress Hill doing a benefit concert for Michael Phelps at Nimbin.

Of course- we are constantly told- if we don’t like the fees then we just have to shop around for a better deal.

Sure, technically you can shop around, but sometimes there isn’t a cheaper ATM nearby. I had to use one in a pub the other night and it cost me five bucks.

Five bucks? I was only trying to get twenty out. That’s a 25% charge, even my manager doesn’t take that much. Let’s be honest, there are pimps out there who are charging more competitive rates than that.

If the ATM is going to charge me five bucks for the honour of accessing my own money, at the very least I should be able to put the transaction receipt in the front window of my car and get an hour free parking.

And the idea of shopping around would make sense if there was actually any real choice, but let’s be honest choosing between the major banks is like choosing between the Daddos- no-one can tell them apart, and at the end of the day they’re as crap as each other.

I mean if we needed any more proof, they are all merging now. Westpac and St. George are becoming one superbank, which I guess in some ways this is good news, instead of having to go to two places to get shafted you can get shafted twice in the same place.

Although if they really wanted to combine a bank with another business, they should have combined with a Bunnings, that way when they screwed you, you would be able to buy something to screw them back.